“Have you considered having a baby together? It will help you
find out how vested your partner is, in the relationship”
If you’ve been in a protracted ‘serious relationship’, chances
are that one concerned friend/relative would have said these
words to you. It’s one of those ‘ nuggets of wisdom ‘ you
receive, in pursuit of the ever elusive words of commitment
from Le Boo.
Women, in a constant race against the biological clock, are
the most susceptible to the anxiety that comes from just
hanging. So, when things appear stalled, they begin to
consider options for expediting their goals – marriage and
children.
In light of this, the idea of introducing a child to the mix
becomes like a compelling force for commitment. Rightly or
wrongly, this is widely practiced by Nigerians. Based on
certain cultural expectations, a lot of people feel obliged to do
right by the person they’re having a child with – so men have
been known to consider marriage once a pregnancy comes in
the mix.
I know a guy who is constantly lamenting about how unhappy
he is in his marriage. One day, I got tired of hearing the
whining, and asked him if he was forced to marry this woman.
The way I saw it, unless he was dragged by the noose to the
altar, he had no business moaning this much.
“She got pregnant na! So I had to marry her.”
Oh God! He made it sound like such a burden. His words
provided a bit of clarity into why he always seemed so
miserable. Upon further talk, he revealed that the pregnancy
for which he got married was lost in a miscarriage, and as
such he was ‘stuck’ in the situation. Whilst I had very little
sympathy for him – I’m not really a fan of the victim mentality
– it did make me wonder about the different ways his story
could have turned out.
It is my belief that when two consenting adults are having
unprotected sex, they’re in a form of committed relationship,
and they are ready for any of the consequences – STDs and
babies. Neither party should be allowed to wallow in self-pity
if any of the by products of their actions come to play.
Now, because mistakes happen, and nothing is ever 100%
certain, what do you do when you’re not ready to have babies
– psychologically, emotionally and financially – and a
pregnancy comes into the mix?
In the past, it was believed that the honour of a woman was
not to be besmirched, and as such a man was under an
obligation to marry the woman – societal expectations
enforced the binding of two willing or unwilling parties.
Parents, largely out of shame, would tether their children
together. This was based on the premise that if you’re having
enough sex to allow yourself get pregnant, then you should be
ready to live the rest of your life with that person.
However, we know that marriage is a life long commitment. Is
it enough to make a decision of a lifetime based on the fact
that you’re having a child together? The child will grow up
and leave the nest. A paternity test could reveal that the child
isn’t yours. Also, like my friend, you could lose the pregnancy?
Or the child may die; then you’re stuck with someone you
were just okay with shagging.
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